


Manta

by danbaihe



Series: All For Us [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anger, Changbin is struggling a lot, Cocaine, Drug Abuse, Drugs, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Near Death, Near Death Experiences, Overdosing, Panic Attacks, References to Drugs, Seo Changbin-centric, chan is trying to help, changbin wants to love chan and jisung and wants them to love him back, huge drug tw, ot3 but kind of not really, unregulated emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:55:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27591682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danbaihe/pseuds/danbaihe
Summary: “That reminds me- yesterday my mom took my dad and me to the mall so that we could go get him some new shirts but I thought these looked really cool.”  Chan said, holding out three rings.  They were plain dark silver.  No decoration.  But they did kind of look like something Changbin would see in a future movie.“They’re too big now, but I was thinking maybe when they fit our hands when we’re older we can wear them- like best friend rings, you know?”  Chan said.  Jisung took his immediately.  He smiled widely.  “I’m gonna put it in my treasure box until it fits!”  He yelled out happily, pocketing the too big ring.“So, what were you up to?”  Chan asked.Puking my guts out because I’m withdrawing from cocaine after almost overdosing.  Turns out it’s not normal for most cocaine users to react like this when withdrawing.  Did you know that, Channie?“Nothing much.”  Changbin shrugged.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Bang Chan/Seo Changbin, Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Series: All For Us [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2019319
Comments: 28
Kudos: 139





	Manta

**Author's Note:**

> Manta by Lexie Liu is a bop and you should listen to it fr
> 
> also
> 
> Fic Playlist [Updated!! It's highly recommended you listen when reading]:  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5vcgDCn9G0UvPVH0M1O42d?si=RaxVUm8GSNmiKH7pGYEFYg

Changbin remembers the first time he ever sees his dad smoke.

He’s 9.

He remembers seeing the pack of cigarettes and not knowing what they were, and he remembers his dad searching for his lighter while Changbin asked him for his lunch money for the day. His father responded by putting a cigarette between his lips and roughly slapping the money in Changbin’s hand. It struck Changbin as odd, but he didn’t dwell on it for long. His friends were waiting for him at the bus stop, and he didn’t want to be late to school. He shoved the money in his backpack and threw on his sneakers before running down the road, ignoring the creepy man Changbin wasn’t entirely sure was a neighbor watching him run.

“Chan, do you know what a...I don’t know. It was like a long white stick, with a- ...an orange half, and my dad put it between his lips like this.” Changbin mimicked the movement. Chan thought about it. Their other friend, Jisung, perked up. “Oh! My brother has those!” He said.

“Brian?” Chan asked, smiling at the mention of the boy. He was several grades above them, in grade 8 while Jisung and his friend group were all in grade 4. Chan’s crush on the older boy was obvious, and Changbin thought it was dumb. Chan only liked him because he dressed cool anyways, and Changbin could definitely dress cooler any day.

“Yeah- he said they’re bad for you though, like really bad. And he told me not to tell mom because he’d get in trouble- you know, like with the principal and stuff. He gave me candy, so I didn’t, but I probably will anyways because I don’t want him to get sick.” Jisung said with a frown, and then a sigh.

“My dad won’t get sick or anything like that, right?” Changbin asked, and Jisung shrugged. “I don’t know. Your dad is an old man. All old guys get sick. My dad got sick and now he’s at the hospital.” Jisung said, nonchalantly taking Changbin’s bag of chips and replacing it with his apple. Changbin didn’t mind- he liked the apple more anyways. The chips were salty and he had to remember to not breathe when he ate them.

“Your dad will be fine, I think. As long as he doesn’t do it for like...a super long time I think.” Chan said, sighing. Changbin was relieved at his words.

“If my parents die or something can I just live with one of you guys so that I don’t have to grow up super far away or something?” Changbin said, picking at his food. He wasn’t really hungry at the moment. His teachers always got on him for not eating at lunch time though.

“Yeah!! We’ll build a fort in my room until you’re not super sad anymore.” Jisung suggested. “Like when we have sleepovers.” He said.

“Okay.” Changbin nodded. “I don’t want them to die though. We can just do that regularly too, right?” He asked.

“Of course!” Jisung responded, opening the bag of chips upside down, watching silently as they emptied onto his tray before shrugging and starting to eat them.

Chan laughed at Jisung. Changbin laughed with him.

“That reminds me- yesterday my mom took my dad and me to the mall so that we could go get him some new shirts but I thought these looked really cool.” Chan said, holding out three rings. They were plain dark silver. No decoration. But they did kind of look like something Changbin would see in a future movie.

“They’re too big now, but I was thinking maybe when they fit our hands when we’re older we can wear them- like best friend rings, you know?” Chan said. Jisung took his immediately. He smiled widely. “I’m gonna put it in my treasure box until it fits!” He yelled out happily, pocketing the too big ring.

Changbin took his carefully, examining it in his hand. Carefully, he unzipped his bag and put it in the front pouch. He’d take it home and put it on his desk until it fit him. “Thank you Chan!” He said, smiling widely.

“We’ll have the rings on when we’re way older and like, move in together as adults and stuff.” Chan said excitedly. Changbin hung onto every word like it would save his life. They talked about this a lot. How they’d live. They’d all live together with Chan’s dog Berry and they would make songs. Changbin liked listening to songs, he wanted to make ones like them one day. They’d grow old together. Get rich together. It was planned out as far as they could.

“I can’t wait for when we all live together.” Changbin beamed.

The bell rang, signaling they had to go back to class.

“Fuck! Why is math so fucking hard?” Jisung groaned as he splayed himself across Changbin’s desk, Changbin scrolling through his shitty, beaten up laptop. 

“Because you don’t pay attention for shit.” Changbin said, snorting.

“Yeah, because I have P.E. right before, and I get tired easily. It’s not fair!”

“Ask to switch your classes?”

“Never in a million years. Math is the only class I share with Seungmin.”

Seungmin. Right. Jisung’s new friend. Changbin never bothered to meet him. It was 7th grade, and the kid just moved from south of Seoul. Awful time to move, if you ask Changbin. Middle school was ruthless.

“Then like, I don’t know, take naps during lunch instead.” Changbin said, finally glancing up from his computer.

“But I need to eat! I’m a growing boy.” Jisung said, huffing.

“You haven’t grown in a hot minute, but sure, okay.”

“Says you.”

“Shut up I’m two inches taller.”

“This is the last time you’ll ever be taller than me Changbin, mark my words.”

Changbin was about to reply, but Chan came into his room. His mom must’ve let Chan in the house or something. He seemed sad. He sluggishly draped himself on Changbin’s bed, wrapping his arms around Changbin.

“What’s wrong?” Changbin asked softly, closing his laptop (no he was NOT playing papa’s pizzeria).

“I’m moving.” Chan said glumly.

“What?” Jisung asked, Changbin echoing the same question.

“Yeah. We’re moving back to Australia. I’m gonna have a sister and they want her to be born there.” Chan said, wrapping his arms tighter around Changbin. Panic started to set in.

“B-But you can’t leave. Who are me and Jisung going to stick to through High school? We were gonna go to college together and everything.” Changbin said, remembering earlier conversations about how they’d live their futures. Jisung, Changbin, and Chan would all graduate highschool at the same time, apply for the same colleges, and study music and live together. It was going to be great, and Changbin needed absolutely no one else. At all. Just Jisung and Chan. He’d be okay.

“I can’t say no. I would if I could.” Chan seemed like he was about to cry. He had, many times. The 12 year old was very freely himself in front of the other two, and he shared his stresses with them a lot. Changbin comforted him most of the time. Sometimes Jisung cried with him. It was an odd dynamic, but to Changbin it was perfect. He didn’t want to lose his friends. He couldn’t.

“When do you leave?” Jisung asked sadly. Chan frowned.

“In two weeks.”

Changbin glanced between Jisung and Chan. His eyes were watering a little. He wasn’t a crier. Chan was. He wasn’t. He tried to fight back his tears, but he couldn’t as he got up from the bed, breathing shakily. “Fuck! Sorry...just- fuck just give me a second.” He said quickly, running to his bathroom. Jisung and Chan both knew he didn’t like crying in front of people. He used to get bullied for it. Called a crybaby when he was little.

And honestly? Right now, he kind of felt like one. Maybe it was too wishful to think that they would all stick together for that long anyways. They have lives. Ones they can’t always control. Something would probably tear them apart even if they were all in the same place.

Changbin tried to get himself to calm down, but it only made it worse as he silently sobbed while sitting on his bathroom toilet. Fucking middle school. An awful couple of years with an awful fucking ending. He wouldn’t even get to see Chan over the summer. He’d be gone.

“Changbin, can I come in?”

_No, Chan, you can not. I’m busy crying my eyes out. Go away._

The door opened, and Changbin’s two friends were standing in the doorway a bit awkwardly. Okay, so maybe Changbin latched onto ideas and dreams a little too much. Maybe it was stupid to cry over it. He told himself it was definitely stupid to cry about. Chan did not seem to have the same notion though. He wrapped his arms around Changbin and crouched down into what was definitely probably an uncomfortable position to be in. Changbin held his breath, with his eyes squeezed closed. 

“I’ll still email.” Chan said. “And next year- I’ll get a phone, and we can call and play games together and stuff, right?” He said. Changbin opened his eyes to see Chan offering a small smile. He noticed his eyes were red.

“You wouldn’t stop replying or anything, right?” Changbin asked, voicing his fears.

“Of course not.” Chan responded, taking Changbin in his arms again and rubbing circles into his back.

That was a lie.

Changbin and Jisung were about to enter their Freshman year of highschool in two weeks. They were hanging out at the skate park- a hobby both of the boys had taken up. Changbin wasn’t as good as Jisung, as he preferred roller skating more. He didn’t have his own set of skates to bring to the park, so he was saving up. Thinking of maybe selling his board.

“I wonder what his name is.” Jisung said, kicking his legs as he sat on the park bench with Changbin, sipping from his fast food cup. 

“Who?” Changbin asked, glancing up from his phone for a few seconds.

“Him.” Jisung tilted his head and pointed to the male that was in the middle of the skatepark. He had been talking to a group of friends- some even looked a little older than him. He had a wide smile before he laughed, joining someone else as they both ran to the edge of the bowl, not hesitating to use the built up momentum and skate down, the boy dangerously balancing on his board. He had nice lips, if Changbin squinted to try and recognize any features. He was clad in large cuffed pants, and an oversized hoodie. A necklace or two, and a beanie he held in his hands when he skated. His nails looked painted black, and part of his hair looked dyed blonde. Of course he was the type of guy Jisung would like. The younger grew up with alt parents and a brother that probably spent all his time on tumblr. Jisung grew up around a type, he liked that type.

“He seems emo. I’m putting my money on something basic. Sam.” Changbin said, and Jisung snorted. “Absolutely not. Sam..? Maybe. I could see it. He looks like he’d have a short name though. Not from here.” Jisung said.

“Maybe he’s like, from the coast? Beach side?” Changbin said.

“Mmm...I don’t know. He looks like he didn’t grow up here though.”

“Maybe he’s a country side kid. His name is one of those ones that go for both boys and girls you know? Like Jimin. Or maybe Hee-jin.”

“Definitely Ga-eul.”

“I’m putting my money on Hee-jin. He’s too pretty to be a Gaeul.”

“Mmm...fine. I’m voting Jimin, then.”

“Hyunjin.” The boy said, smiling brightly. “My name is Hyunjin.”

“I haven’t seen you at the skatepark a lot.” Changbin said. “You from around here?” He asked.

“No! I just moved here with my family. I’m going to the school up the road for my freshman year. Know it?” Hyunjin asked.

“Know it?” Jisung repeated, grinning. “That’s where we’re going next year! We’ll be freshmen too!” He said excitedly.

“Really? I hope we have some classes together then!” Hyunjin said, smiling brightly. Right off the bat, Changbin didn’t really like Hyunjin that much. Maybe it was just because he didn’t want his friend group to be 3 again without Chan. Chan, who completely gave up on contact once summer hit. It had been two months almost, and Chan hadn’t emailed or texted at all. Changbin couldn’t stop himself from compulsively checking, but he knew nothing would’ve changed. Chan would still have him left on read.

Changbin didn’t hate Hyunjin for Hyunjin, no. He hated the idea of Hyunjin without Chan. It felt like they were replacing Chan. But when he told this to Jisung, Jisung looked weirded out. Said he was ‘reaching’ for anything to not interact with Hyunjin. So, because Changbin was hurt and irritated after the conversation with Jisung, he decided to just not bring it up again.

Then Jisung dropped the bomb on him, two days later, that the weekend before school started, he’d be in Malaysia, moving into a new house.

“What?” Changbin asked, numbly staring at Jisung. His words hadn’t registered in Changbin’s mind yet.

“I’m moving to Malaysia.” Jisung repeated, looking nervous at Changbin’s reaction.

Then, again, it felt like his world was crashing down.

Slowly, but surely, fate seemed to be ripping away the few things he found he cared about.

“Oh.” Changbin said. He didn’t cry this time. He couldn’t be sad. He was already too upset over Chan’s ghosting him, if he kept this up he’d be a little bitch. A crybaby. So, instead, his mind turned to anger. Jisung noticed his shift in mood, looking concerned as Changbin tried to process it.

“So you’re leaving me.” Changbin said.

“Not by choice.” Jisung responded. His tone sounded odd. He was probably hoping this would go over like Chan’s moving away did. With crying, and hugs, and promises to keep in touch.

“I’ll text when I can- and we have each other’s instagrams now so we can see pictures of each other easily.” Jisung said quickly, trying to diffuse the situation before it even escalated.

“No.” Changbin responded. “You’re leaving me just like Chan left us. Is that why you were so set on being friends with Hyunjin? So-So that I’d replace you with somebody or something? So that I wouldn’t be lonely after my only two friends abandoned me?” He asked. It wasn’t assumptions- it made sense. Jisung was introverted and didn’t want to make friends with a lot of other people, but for the few days they had been with Hyunjin he had been intent on Changbin and Hyunjin being friendly with each other.

“What? Changbin, no. I wanted to have him and you as classmates-”

“How!? How are we gonna be your fucking classmates if you’re all the way in Malaysia Jisung? How?” Changbin snapped, glaring at the other, who shrunk back.

“Do you even care about me?” Changbin asked. Jisung took it like he had just been stabbed. Was he starting to cry?

“Of course I care about you.” He whispered. Jisung looked hurt. Changbin couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Do you?”

Changbin didn’t wait for Jisung’s reply before he stormed out, running back to his own house. He didn’t miss the cigarette between his dad’s lips as the man sat on the porch. He ran inside, slammed the door, and locked himself in his room. His phone was buzzing. Jisung tried to call him a few times.

Changbin couldn’t bring himself to care.

His phone buzzed again and he checked it.

 _Channie:_ im not sure what happened between you and jisung, but he’s freaking out.

 _Channie:_ r u ok?

Of course.

Of course Chan wouldn’t keep his promise to him and ghost him for months but stay in touch with Jisung.

They didn’t give a shit about Changbin. They just pretend like they did. Why? For their own entertainment? Because they pitied Changbin? Knew he didn’t deserve friends in the first place? They faked being friends with him and gave him hope for so long, and for what? Just so they could leave him?

Changbin’s rational brain shut down as he bent over. Was he hyperventilating? A little. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. The room was spinning and he felt hot tears down his cheeks. Instead of calming down, or maybe just crying for a while, he screamed.

He screamed again, the scream dissipating into broken sobs, crying loudly.

Why would Chan talk to Jisung and not him? Did they always plan to cut him out of their friend group? Had Changbin been too annoying?

He spent hours spiralling in his room, not moving from his spot on the floor, even after his panic attack had stopped. It was dark outside, and Changbin was tired. But his mind wouldn’t let him sleep.

_Changbin:_ I’m really sorry for the way i reacted

 _Changbin:_ I know it isnt ur fault u didnt want to move

 _Changbin:_ i just hate feeling like im being ripped away from my friends

 _Changbin:_ like

 _Changbin:_ i cant imagine a life without either of u and now im gonna live it

 _Changbin:_ im not good at making friends like u and Chan are

 _Changbin:_ and then Chan

 _Changbin:_ texted me for the first time in months after ghosting me bc of u

 _Changbin:_ because u were upset w me

 _Changbin:_ i dont want to lose either of you

 _Changbin:_ so please, actually stay in contact with me

 _Changbin:_ pls

 _Changbin:_ like i think i’ll srsly fucking lose it if i can’t talk to at least one of you

 _Changbin:_ i already hate that you’re both not here w me

 _Changbin:_ im sorry 

_Changbin:_ im blowing up ur phone ill stop now

 _Changbin:_ sorry

Highschool had been a trip and a half for Changbin, who was now in his senior year.

And by that, he meant, it had been awful. Changbin barely made it through the entire ordeal. It felt like a rollercoaster. Sometimes he was the happiest he had been since he was a child. Those moments lasted the shortest. Most of the time he was angry.

He almost didn’t graduate. He wouldn't have, if it hadn’t been for Felix.

_Felix._

Just saying his name honestly brightened Changbin’s mood.

Felix was, for lack of better wording, Changbin’s better half. Sunshine in a tiny freckled boy. He was Australian, like Chan. Chan. Hm.

He liked to swim and play video games. That’s not how Changbin met him though, no. 

He met Felix skipping school.

Changbin was taking a liking to a coffee shop that was also a tattoo parlor, having made somewhat friends with most of the staff there. At this point, late sophomore year, he had hit his new low. His mother died from overworking, and his father became an alcoholic as a result. Both Chan and Jisung collectively ghosted him, and Hyunjin had...well...their relationship was complicated for more than one reason. The staff of the place knew him by name. He spent almost all of his second semester here, learning whatever he needed from Jaebum, the man who owned the place. He was college-student age, but he explained to Changbin that he studied early, and the place was a hand-me-down gift from a friend who moved away.

Why didn’t Jisung or Chan leave him anything?

He glanced to the ring he wore on his ring finger, thoughts immediately filled with hurt and despair. They had just fucking left him there, left him alone to fend for himself.

So he learned how to work behind the counter of the coffee shop, and how to draw sketches for tattoos. He was quite good at both. Jaebum let him tattoo himself, and gave him a couple. He may have only been 15 at the time, but it was a learning experience of what tattoos he could and couldn’t hide. Most designs were his own. He liked having the tattoos there. They hid when he got really down in the dumps and resorted to self harm as a way to solve the problem. They changed him from when he was with Chan and Jisung, who left him in the dust.

Felix came in for a chocolate chip cookie.

Jinyoung recognized him as the new guy in Hyunjin’s dance class. Felix shyly, and awkwardly introduced himself. Somehow, Changbin had been roped into the conversation.

Then, like a wrecking ball through a wall of brick, Felix was constant in Changbin’s life. Like Changbin, he skipped a lot. Unlike Changbin, he didn’t sneak liquor or cigarettes from his dad’s room. In fact, he tried to get Changbin to stop.

A few times, Changbin did. When Felix was upset, Changbin was upset as well- while simultaneously feeling like shit for getting Felix to a point where he was sad in the first place.

When Felix was happy, Changbin felt ecstatic. Like nothing could stop him and his brilliant sunshine with a beautiful smile. One that could absolutely do no harm.

When Felix made new friends, Changbin isolated himself for two weeks, completely ignoring school as a responsibility, coming back looking like he had been locked in his own room the entire 14 days he was gone.

Felix didn’t question it, he knew Changbin handled certain situations a bit differently. He didn’t mind not hanging out with his new friend Seungmin as much.

Changbin felt horrible for keeping Felix from his friends, but also felt horrible and paranoid without Felix. He was awful without Felix, actually.

One time, junior year, Felix was sick at home, and Changbin spent half of his school day texting Felix every second before eventually skipping school completely and climbing through the boy’s window (with his permission) so that he could make sure he was okay.

Felix was thankful for it, and even let Changbin sleep over.

“What’s with that ring you always wear?” Felix asked, voice raspy as they cuddled on his bed.

“It’s a promise. It was broken though.” Changbin hesitates to say the second sentence, Felix shifting slightly.

“By you?” Felix asked.

“No.” Changbin responded. “I’m the only one who kept it.” He gave a humorless laugh.

Felix didn’t laugh back.

Senior year with Felix had been...unsatisfying. Changbin didn’t know how to describe it. It started out great, and he was having a lot of fun with the other.

Now he was having intrusive thoughts of murdering Felix. It was eating at him alive.

No, he did not want to kill Felix.

He was irritated easily by the other, sure, but murder was not the first thing he wanted to act on when he was with Felix. He didn’t want to violently bash his head in until he stopped breathing, he didn’t want to push him in front of a train, yet, these thoughts plagued his mind. He couldn’t stop thinking them.

He was just upset.

Paranoid, maybe.

Felix seemed like he wanted to leave Changbin too, with how he hung out with other people more these days. He stopped inviting Changbin over to his house, even though up until this point, Changbin and Felix had been doing great. It was kind of jarring, actually, how they reacted to each other. Changbin was upset because it meant he had to spend more time at home, and he’d take that anger out on Felix, who wasn’t having it.

So they had a couple of screaming matches.

Changbin hated arguments despite feeling like he had been the cause for so many.

Changbin hated arguments with a burning passion.

But he hated separation more.

He hated feeling _lonely_ more. 

So, he isolated again. He can’t feel lonely if there’s no one for him to be upset over for leaving him, right?

He didn’t go to school. Sometimes, he didn’t even get out of bed. He only did so to pee or get water. It was like he was on autopilot. Shuffling through his house quietly so as not to wake up his dad, who’s drunk and passed out on the couch.

Sometimes he would get sentimental, read through his old messages with Jisung and Chan. Read through his messages with Felix.

It was useless, anyways.

Every friend he made wanted to leave him, no wonder he had made so few.

Maybe, he should just kill himself.

Just overdose and end it right there and then.

Maybe it was a bit impulsive, but it was an impulse that motivated Changbin to get out of bed and search for anything he could take in one go, swallowing as many pills as he could before he started to shake, feeling...light-headed? No...more like dissociated. It was a feeling he constantly felt, but this time he knew it was the meds kicking in.

As his vision started to go he wondered if any one of them would’ve cared after he was gone.

Failed attempt. He woke up- albeit, feeling like shit. He had been isolated for too long. He couldn’t fucking kill himself. Might as well go to school. No one needed to know. Maybe he could play off the fact that he was still shaking and noticeably paler by saying he got sick, or something. Nothing had happened. No one needed to know.

“I was worried.” Felis said softly.

“I’m sorry.” Changbin responded, half awake. 

“What happened?” Felix asked.

“Got sick.”

“For two weeks?”

“Really bad fever.”

“Bullshit.” Felix said, rolling his eyes and pulling out a vape. Since When did Felix vape?

“You’re right.” Changbin leaned against the lockers, sunglasses on. “I don’t think you want to know the real reason though.” He murmured.

“I do.” Felix argued.

“I tried to kill my self.”

A silence fell between them.

“Oh.” Felix finally said.

“Yeah.”

“That’s not good.”

“Understatement of the year.”

“Are you gonna tell anyone about it?” Felix asked. Changbin looked at him, then scoffed. “No. I wasn’t even planning on telling you.”

“Oh. Cause you would’ve been dead?”

“Cause when I woke up this morning I planned on having no one know when I went to school.”

Felix sighed. “Yeah that’s a good point.”

“Yeah.” Changbin echoed.

After senior year, it was like Felix dipped from his life. After that conversation, it was like he never even met a Lee Felix/Yongbok in his entire life, and so, like an awful cycle that was eating him alive…

...he spiraled again.

He managed to get into college, hooray.

He was on the verge of dropping out the second year in.

When Changbin wasn’t doing what little schoolwork he could muster himself to do, he was instead partying. Going in and out of “friend’s” houses like every party was a new game to him. He didn’t make real friends anymore. He wanted to, and then he remembered Chan. And Jisung. And Felix. How they all filtered through him. How he had just been a temporary phase for them and then they moved on. It hurt. And Changbin felt… _empty_. He hated it more than loneliness.

So, that very first party, he managed to hit, by far, his newest low.

And it started with a line of coke.

Changbin had some very not put together friends in the form of Jeongin and Seungmin. They weren’t like Jisung and Chan, no. They weren’t people Changbin could openly say he was attached to easily. Which, fuck, of course he was. He felt awful if he didn’t have at least one of them in his sight, and it was worse when he was completely sober.

Yeah, so maybe he was a bit of an addict now.

At first, he didn’t notice it. He was invited to a party where he first met Jeongin, who seemed a little too young to be there, but Changbin never questioned his age. Or, well, he tried to, and Jeongin never answered him. Jeongin definitely knew how to handle his liquor. He didn’t seem to get blackout drunk at all, or even close to it, despite the amount of shots Changbin had seen him take. And the amount of drinks he had on top of those shots.

Changbin hadn’t talked to him much, but he had talked to Seungmin, a residential good boy who only got good grades and was in Changbin’s photography class. He didn’t really want to take it, but it was required for a future class, so...yeah. Seungmin was good at it...but he was good at everything. If he wanted to, he could’ve easily succeeded at any job, Changbin would have no doubt about it.

So it surprised him, when Seungmin took Changbin’s hand and led him up the stairs, looking relieved, happy that he would finally reach whatever destination they had in mind. Changbin looked back at the party that was happening on the ground floor of the house. Whose house was this anyways? How did he end up with these two?

And suddenly, he’s in a completely unfamiliar room, and Seungmin is whispering with someone, looking grateful as he reaches into his pocket for something. Changbin realized it was cash. He was too drunk to care, leaning on Jeongin slightly. 

“Get off.” Jeongin whined. “I’m gonna die. I’ll be squished by you.” He said, trying to push the now buff man off. Oh yeah. Changbin had muscle now. That was something.

“Finee.” Changbin whined, slowly getting off of Jeongin and letting Seungmin lead them both out of the room.

“Bathroom or one of the free bedrooms?” Seungmin asked.

“For what?” Changbin asked, brain not catching up.

“What do you think?” Seungmin’s eyes glowed as he held up a small baggie with powder. Huh. So that’s what that looked like. Kind of...underwhelming if you ask Changbin.

“Don’t care.” He said. _Because I’m leaving._

“Bathroom it is then.” Seungmin said.

“It’s his place to do it. Don’t know why.” Jeongin said, shrugging. Changbin quietly followed. He had a therapist for two months. He didn’t share a lot with her but she _did_ say he should probably stay away from anything he could get addicted to. Changbin hadn’t lived by it, but he hadn’t gone out of his way to do drugs either.

At least, not until now.

When Seungmin handed him the rolled up bill, his first thought was that this was exactly like snorting up pixie sticks as kids when you kind of put everything and anything in your nose just because you could (assuming it looked like it could fit). Like, it was awkward at first, and it burned going up your nose, and you’re not really sure why you did it.

Except in this case, after it burned going up his nose, in three minutes he realized why he did it. The kick in was very slow. He didn’t even notice until Jeongin was giggling saying his pupils were dilated. Changbin looked in the mirror to see indeed- yes, his pupils were dilated. He laughed a little as well.

“This is...fucking weird.” He commented, going back to sit down. Seungmin shook his head.

“Let’s go downstairs.” Seungmin said.

“Okay.”

It took a few minutes but when it kicked in Changbin’s head felt...clear. The music was pounding loudly and it just about filled his head, leaving no room for anything else.

It felt weird, having people bump into him as they passed. A tingly feeling- he wasn’t sure if he liked it or not. This entire experience was weird. He couldn’t pinpoint it exactly, but it was just...odd. He didn’t know if he should be enjoying it or hating it. He felt like he could get a lot done in the moment, but wasn’t anywhere near his laptop or studio to jumpstart it. He felt...euphoric. Which he hadn’t really felt in a long time.

He realized he was shaking a lot, as he danced with Seungmin and Jeongin. His brain started to panic slightly, but he could only laugh as he felt like he was floating.

The occasional party became every party. Then from there, Changbin spiraled. Parties became every weekend. Weekends became when he was stressed and needed to finish projects. Then, soon, he was just looking for an excuse and reason to get high. Or to hang out with Seungmin and Jeongin.

Honestly, the two were starting to blur together.

Changbin...couldn’t imagine a life without the two. Yeah, okay, he did _live_ one, but it’s different when you can’t remember anything clearly.

Sometimes it was fun with them. They dyed his hair blue in a public restroom and it was some of the best times Changbin ever had with someone. They checked out abandoned buildings when Seungmin had the free time, and found some places that became Changbin’s new favourite drinking spot.

Seungmin was hot and cold. Sometimes he’d be willing to hang out, sometimes he’d be trying to study. Jeongin had much more time for Changbin, but all of Changbin’s classmates that he talked with regularly weren’t the biggest fans of Jeongin. Changbin couldn’t figure out why.

Jeongin came and went when he wanted to, and sometimes Changbin joined him. Changbin skipped entire weeks of school because he wanted to stay close to Jeongin. He didn’t notice the weight he lost, or the increasing paranoia. The increasing _need_ to get that 30 minutes of high. At first it was fun, exciting even. He hated the feeling of the drug as it went up his nose, but it was nice.

It was after it wasn’t working as well that he started to get the other symptoms.

The hallucinations when he was high. The panic. The agitation. Seungmin sat with him as he went through withdrawals, Jeongin cutting him off after he had a seizure and passed out. It was really sudden, how everything happened, but, it was enough that he was forced through three days of absolute torture, puking when he wasn’t sleeping, sleeping when he wasn’t trying to eat what little food he could. It was funny, too, because most people actually puked while _on_ cocaine, not while coming off of it. He was almost completely dropped out of school at this point, Seungmin and Jeongin just not wanting their friend to die on their hands. And really, Changbin was thankful. This was the closest any of them had ever been to him, really, and he didn’t want to lose them either.

He glanced at the ring he still wore on his finger, feeling sick to his stomach. He doesn’t know if it was the nausea or the memories. Probably both.

“Are you doing okay?” Seungmin asked. “Do we need to go back to the bathroom?” He asked.

“No, I’m good- I just uh- I should get myself some water.” Changbin croaked out, getting ready to move from his bed. Seungmin got up with him, leading him to the apartment’s kitchen. It was a shitty apartment, but one that had kind of grown on Changbin. If you ignored the mold.

Seungmin went to get him a clean cup, Changbin staring emptily at the space. Wow. Was it always this bland? He should save up his money, get something small to decorate the living room with.

There was a knock on the door.

“Who…?” Seungmin whispered, looking at Changbin.

Changbin shrugged. “I don’t fucking know.” He whispered back. He ran his fingers through his wet hair (he had taken a shower less than an hour ago, but it didn’t make him feel any less gross as the sweat and water just made his shirt cling to him), and opened the door.

Chan.

Chan with someone Changbin didn’t recognize.

Chan, who’s smile faltered slightly.

“...Changbin?”

Thinking fast, Changbin closed the door again, blinking.

Amazing idea 10/10, temporarily solved his problem until Chan knocked on the door again-

_Knock. Knock. knock._

Fuck.

Slowly, Changbin opened the door again, shoving the hand with the ring in his pocket.

“Hi.” He said.

“Changbin...what happened to you?”

Chan could only manage a simple shrug. Seungmin had gone to hide in Changbin’s room with Jeongin, the glass of water left on the coffee table in front of him. He had slipped off the ring and left it in his pocket. He reached for the water, taking slow sips.

“Got depressed. Mom died. Dad’s an alcoholic. Could be a lot of things, really.” Changbin murmured. Had he always sounded so monotone? “Didn’t have any friends or anything for a bit so…” He trailed off, shrugging again.

“Jesus.” Chan murmured, sighing.

“Yeah. Whose this?” Changbin asked, looking to the other male in the room. Changbin felt awful. Like shit. And he felt even worse when he realized he was dressed in a gray shirt he had sweat through and a pair of sweatpants that were too big on him.

Meanwhile, Chan was dressed nicely. Casually, but nicely. A graphic muscle tee that showed off his arms- had he always been that buff? Changbin remembered when he had muscle...compared to now, his arms were stick thin. God, he must’ve looked pitiful. Chan had ripped jeans tucked into nice doc martens. The bisexual energy in Changbin’s house was immaculate right now.

The guy next to Chan looked a little...cat like? He was wearing almost the exact opposite as Chan. He was wearing a blue fuzzy jacket over a white shirt, and long baggy bleached jeans over chunky white sneakers. He looked like he came straight out of the early 2000s, honestly.

“I’m Minho.” He said with a smile. “It’s nice to meet you.” He nodded. Changbin nodded back.

“Minho, this is Changbin. One of my childhood best friends.” Chan said, smiling, before turning to Changbin.

“Changbin, this is my boyfriend.”

Oh.

“Cool.” Changbin said, nodding. “That’s cool. I’m happy for you.” He murmured. He took another sip of the water. God how he wished it was alcohol right now.

“So uh…” Changbin cleared his throat, not wanting the awkward silence to go on for too long.

“Why are you here?” He asked.

“Oh! Actually, we were looking for where Jisung lived, funnily enough. We must’ve gotten the number wrong though...considering.” Chan gestured to Changbin. Changbin froze.

“Jisung’s back from Malaysia?” He asked.

Chan looked shocked.

“He never texted you?” He asked.

“You never texted me either.” Changbin shot back. Chan winced. “I deserved that.”

“No.” Changbin said after a few minutes. “He never texted me.” He said.

“He lives here. At the apartment complex. You never saw him?”

“No. I barely leave my room. And when I do, I barely come home.”

Chan seemed to have even more questions about the ominous statement, but decided to leave it at that, simply nodding.

“I guess..huh. He told me he moved back after his last year of highschool.” Chan said, sighing. That was at least two years. Hm. Guess Jisung didn’t really care about Changbin after all.

“That’s cool, I guess.” Changbin said, shrugging.

“So, what were you up to?” Chan asked.

_Puking my guts out because I’m withdrawing from cocaine after almost overdosing. Turns out it’s not normal for most cocaine users to react like this when withdrawing. Did you know that, Channie?_

“Nothing much.” Changbin shrugged. “Was working on a project for school but...I don’t even know if I’m still in school at this point, so we’ll have to see how that goes.”

Chan looked curious at the second statement, but chose not to comment. “What are you studying?” He asked. 

“Art. To be a tattoo artist...although, it’s just to get the license. I’ve already done a few tattoos.” He said, realizing Chan could see a lot of his tattoos already. “Wow...really? When?” He asked.

“Highschool.”

“That’s cool.” He said, smiling.

“Yeah. Guess so.”

There was another awkward silence before Minho seemed to hit his legs slightly, exhaling and smiling. “Well, I don’t want to be too late, so we should get going but, uhm, it was nice to meet you Changbin.” He said. Changbin nodded, watching Chan get up to leave with Minho.

“I’ll come back and visit sometime. Is your number still the same?” Chan asked. Changbin shook his head.

“No...no it changed. Hold on.”

He didn’t realize how much he was shaking until now. He took out a piece of paper and scribbled his number on it, handing it to Chan, who looked grateful. He paused, looking at Changbin’s hand. At first Changbin thought it was because he was a little on the too skinny for comfort side, but then he realized the mark the ring had after wearing it for all these years now.

“Bye Changbin.” Chan said sadly.

“Bye.” Changbin whispered back.

Changbin couldn’t stay sober long. But he didn’t want to relapse and disappoint Seungmin and Jeongin. He couldn’t. He liked them too much, he didn’t want them to leave him too.

So instead, he got drunk. As drunk as he possibly could. He was broke as shit, and would be for the rest of the month, but at least, for a minute, temporarily, he didn’t feel as empty as he had before. He was still trying to wrap his head around Chan and Jisung being back in Seoul.

The next time he sees Chan, He’s hanging out with Jisung and..Hyunjin. They both looked so different from before, but in a good way. Jisung was darker than Changbin remembered him, but it suited his complexion well, and he seemed happier. Hyunjin was tall as fuck, and seemed to grow into his features a little more. Changbin realized they both had blonde hair, although Hyunjin’s was a bit longer and messier.

They’re at the store at the same time Changbin is buying himself about three packs of energy drinks and a few snacks here and there so he doesn’t completely starve. He’s trying hard to make himself not noticed, but covering his face with both his hoodie and hat seemed to do absolutely nothing for him.

“Changbin!” He heard Chan excitedly call out for him. Fuck.

Changbin turned around slowly from where he had been pushing his cart, looking around, before carefully pointing to himself.

“Is there...anyone else named Changbin?” Chan asked, raising an eyebrow. Changbin sighed and slowly turned his cart around, heading straight for the group. Jisung looked a little awkward, glancing away, before smiling. “Hey Changbin.” He said, smiling. Changbin simply nodded. An awkward silence fell over the group.

“Hi.” Changbin murmured. Jisung seemed mildly relieved. Chan smiled.

“Jesus christ.” Hyunjin pointed to his cart. “Why do you have so many energy drinks and like...nothing else?” He asked.

“I just got here.” Changbin said.

 _I’m broke._ His mind deadpanned. _My appetite hasn’t come back at all since sobering._

“Ah...what groceries were you gonna get?” Jisung asked. Changbin stared at his cart for a moment. He had some Jelly pouches. Seaweed. A couple different kinds of crackers. Pre wrapped sandwiches. A microwavable pizza. A pack of razor blades he hoped no one would notice along with a few packs of cigarettes. A lighter.

“Milk.” He lied. “And eggs. Maybe cereal.”

“Ah. I was about to get eggs too. Let’s go to the section.” Chan offered, and Changbin just nodded.

They separated from Jisung and Hyunjin, Changbin slowly pushing the cart along the aisle, hoping to god Chan didn’t say anything.

“So...I see you still have your ring.” Chan said, pointing it out.

“It’s the only piece of jewelry I own.” Changbin immediately said.

“Your ears are pierced.”

“And they’ve had the same piercing since I’ve gotten them done.” Changbin said, not bothering to meet Chan’s eyes. He could feel the other burning holes into his back. It was unnerving. “Changbin-”

“Here’s the milk section. What do you usually get?”

A silence fell over them as Chan slowly made his way to the fridge, taking out the jug he wanted before Changbin did the same, but with a half gallon instead of the full gallon bottle like Chan had gotten. They were silent when getting eggs. Changbin picked up some green onion too, just to not seem like a total fucking loser. After they passed by the cereal aisle, Changbin tried to make his quick escape, saying he needed to go. Chan grabbed his arm.

“Changbin-”

“Let go.”

“What happened to you?”

Changbin paused. Chan seemed genuinely worried. No, no. Chan stopped talking to Changbin. He didn’t care.

“Funny you should ask now, you had...I don’t know, six years to?” Changbin snapped, trying to pull his arm away from Chan’s. Chan was much stronger than Changbin was.

“Do you have an eating disorder or something?” Chan questioned. Changbin blinked. “What?”

“Well, you didn’t seem super happy about getting eggs...and most of your cart is just energy drinks.”

Changbin pulled his arm back before looking back at his cart and scoffing. Then he looked to Chan and started to laugh.

“Changbin-”

“No.” Changbin answered. “I don’t. But I fuck with you for trying.” He said, giving the other a smile before turning and wheeling his cart away, heading straight for the cashier. So maybe he was a bit aggressive. Eh. He couldn’t bring himself to care. Chan and Jisung were back in town and Changbin had now been sober for a little too long. Do people plan relapses?

Okay, he wasn’t quite planning it. It was his escape, right now. He needed it and he needed it badly. Yeah, withdrawals had been awful when he was constantly using, but maybe he wouldn’t...buy that much? He’s broke anyways, he doesn’t have enough money to get more than a little bit, and he wouldn’t drive himself into a debt like that.

So, here he was. The white power on his coffee table, already divided into lines with his credit card. He stared at it.

It had been a week since Chan first visited his house. And honestly, with the way withdrawals went literally _immediately_ before Chan accidentally visited, they weren’t really something he wanted to relive again. Except for the sleep part. That was arguably the most sleep he got in years.

So maybe, he definitely hesitated when staring at the drug in front of him, chewing his lip. Was he relapsing too fast? How long did people usually hold out until a relapse? Was he doing recovery wrong? He knew that for recovery to happen relapse was _expected_ but honestly, was it even worth it? For the half an hour high that seemed to go by way too quickly?

“Fuck. What?”

Maybe he shouldn’t. He doesn’t want to die. But would he die doing just a couple of lines after a week of not touching it at all? His body basically reset, right?

He was stressed. Coke was a destressor. His thoughts felt slow as he tried to process what he was doing. It was leaving him in this kind of…limbo. Honestly, was he even addicted in the first place if he was overthinking snorting some dumbshit powder up his nose?

Changbin felt like, in the moment, his body was not his own. Like he was piloting a robot that was responding to the world. In a way...that Changbin would’ve and would’ve not had responded. Did that make sense? Was Changbin making sense?

“Yeah. It makes perfect sense.”

Changbin’s head whipped around to see Chan in his doorway, looking sad. Looking worried. Ha. Funny, considering.

“How did you-”

“The door was ajar. Wondered if everything’s okay.”

“It’s not.”

“I figured.”

Changbin gulped, sitting back further into his couch.

“Uhm...can you go?”

“No...I don’t think I will.”

Changbin could feel himself disconnecting from the world around him. Was he panicking? Or was he just numb? He couldn’t really properly tell anymore.

“Oh…” He murmured, blinking rapidly as Chan came over, standing between the coffee table and the couch so that he could crouch down. Then suddenly he was eye level with Changbin.

“I’m not gonna bash you for...for being a drug addict. If that’s what you’re starting to freak out about.” Chan said softly. “It sucks, and it’s awful, and me overreacting won’t help. I don’t think.” He continued. Changbin could see him shaking. He wanted to overreact. Chan has some great restraint. Imagine not being impulsive. Couldn’t be Changbin.

All the pent up feelings he had for _years_ \- all the hate, all the loneliness, the resentment towards Chan and Jisung- all of it came out in the form of tears, all at once. Waterworks? Immaculate. Changbin couldn’t stop himself from starting to ugly sob.

Chan was back in his life one time and suddenly, Changbin acts like he never cut contact with him in the first place. Pitiful. He needed Chan. He needed Jisung.

They didn’t need him.

“I’m sorry!” He babbled, barely getting words through the stuttering of his breath as he had trouble filling his lungs with air like a functional human. Right now he was definitely _not_ functioning. “You weren’t supposed to- you weren’t supposed to come back!” Changbin couldn’t tell if he was upset or just agitated anymore.

“It’s okay…” Chan said, attempting to comfort the other. “It’s okay. Let it all out-”

“It’s not okay!” Changbin sobbed. “It’s not okay! I’m supposed to rot away when no one can see it. So that it’s okay, and it’s fine when I’m gone! I’m supposed to not be here!! You all left me! You were all I had! And- and then Felix-” Changbin started to cry again, getting increasingly loud as he wet Chan’s poor shirt. Changbin would buy him a new one...but he just spent the last of his money on drugs he’s probably not even gonna _get_ to use anymore.

“It’s okay. I should’ve never left. I’m sorry Changbin.” Chan seemed genuine. Changbin didn’t believe it for a second.

“A-And Felix just? Stopped liking me. And I only got close to him. And he just- he just left me too. Do you know what it feels like to just be left behind so many times?” Changbin cried, and he cried hard into Chan’s chest.

“I don’t.” Chan murmured.

“My mom left me too!” Changbin sobbed.

“I wish I could bring her back for you Changbin.”

“My dad fucking replaced me with alcohol! Why? Why, why, _why_ does everyone I get close to keep leaving me? Jeongin and Seungmin are gonna leave me to-”

Changbin couldn’t stop himself from a mix of screaming, crying, and ranting into Chan’s shirt, Chan taking the brunt of it. At some point, he was too tired- well, he was always too tired now. It was one of the more shitty, drawn-out symptoms of withdrawing. Also, he was just depressed, probably. So, he passed out. After crying so hard he wouldn’t be surprised if he was dehydrated, he simply passed out against Chan’s chest.

To solidify this, Changbin woke up in a room that definitely wasn’t his own, in comfortable sweats and really, really _nice_ sheets. What the fuck?

“Hey- uh- sorry for like, technically kidnapping you, I just realized you didn’t have ...well...real _food_ besides eggs, and I didn’t want to leave you to your own devices…” Chan sounded awkward, but soft. He was trying. Changbin appreciated it. His head hurt so badly. Like an awful hangover but all he had been doing was crying.

“Mmm.” Changbin mumbled, cracking his eyes open. The room was...simple. But aesthetic. He slept on a mattress on the floor, the bedsheets white and matching the light color scheme of the room. Everything matched, and looked neat, but knowing Chan, there was probably a lot of last minute organization before Changbin woke up. This didn’t seem like a room he’d particularly decorate this way either.

“So...we have a lot to talk about huh?” Chan said awkwardly.

“Mmm...right now?” Changbin asked, blinking himself awake.

“No. Not right now. You definitely need more sleep. But just...just think about being willing to talk to us, okay?” Chan said slowly. Changbin didn’t respond. Not fully. He couldn’t.

“I’ll let you sleep a little longer.” Chan murmured, slowly leaving the room.

Changbin closed his eyes and let slumber take him easily once more. He couldn’t comprehend this. Or deal with it.

When Changbin awoke again, he seemed to remember that his friend carried him all the way to his house and that should alarm him. A friend he hasn’t seen in years. Were they honestly even friends anymore?

He tried to escape into the hall but he was quickly stopped by...an honestly adorable cat. It just stared at him though. He felt like his head was pounding, slightly. He wished it stopped.

“Hello?" He called out, getting no reply. He picked up the cat, carefully, and walked slowly to the kitchen, the cat seeming perfectly content in his arms.

The kitchen was nice. Changbin wished he could afford a place like this. He noticed a note on the counter, and, after gingerly freeing a hand, picked it up to read it.

_'Hey! I had to go out last minute on errands, but make yourself at home! Leaving is an option too but,,, I'd rather you not honestly haha. I feel like we have a lot to talk about._

Poor Channie.

Poor idiot Channie who thought Changbin wasn't the world's biggest avoider on Earth. 

Changbin gently plopped the cat on the counter, the cat staring at him. Like it knew he was about to leave and do something dumb, and was telling him not to.

"Don't look at me like that." He said, sighing. "I need a drink. I doubt Chan would have anything be in my reach." He said, eyeing the cat carefully.

"It's already evening, I wouldn't go to a party now. I'm not ready."

Was he talking to himself?

"No, I know I don't usually. No one dresses up for a date with cocaine, they dress comfortably. This entire experience has been very uncomfortable. Relapsing doesn't seem like the worse thing in the world, suddenly." Changbin voiced, scritching behind the cat's ears. "I don't know. They forced me into recovery so that I wouldn't die. I won't die this time."

The cat eyed him intensely.

_How can you be so sure?_

He wasn't.

Despite it being just barely a week, maybe a little over (Changbin's internal clock completely gave up on doing its job), Changbin stepped into the house party like it was a brand new experience. Like his head had never felt the pounding, like his body had never felt the not-his-own-but-he-currently-owns-it feeling when he knew he needed to get buzzed. It wasn't hard to get drunk- in fact, it was almost surprising how fast he managed to get tipsy before making his way to the dance floor.

Changbin wanted to be a dancer for a little bit.

He also wanted to be a musician.

Ha.

"Hey!" A voice shouted over the crowd. Changbin didn't realize it was meant for him until someone touched his shoulder. He turned around to see a boy grinning.

"Who are you!?" Changbin shouted.

"Jackson! You're Changbin right? The Devilfish!" Jackson shouted.

"The what?" Changbin shouted back. Did he hear that right? Devil fish? What even was that?

"Devilfish!! Cause- people are calling you Manta because you're...well...haha you're a beast. Drank a lot of what was supplied for some of the parties you went to!" 

"Oh!" Changbin guessed that made sense. He didn’t really care.

Within the first hour? He was drunk enough to be dancing- bodies he didn’t recognize up against his own. Someone’s hands wandering. Did he really care? Someone gave him a drink he was suspected was laced because he’s pretty sure he’s seeing things.

Someone weaved their way into the group. Changbin didn’t know or pay attention to who it was- his eyes having closed beforehand, and him planning on keeping them closed.

“Changbin!”

Nevermind. His eyes were wide open. There was Chan in a muscle t, beer in hand.

“I don’t think you should be partying right now.” Chan said. He didn’t seem mad. Just...worried? Genuinely worried. It was weird.

“I don’t care.” Changbin replied.

“Have you…?”

“No. Not yet. Might though.” Changbin stopped caring on whether or not Chan gave a fuck about his wellbeing. Chan could’ve given a fuck by keeping in contact.

Chan didn’t respond immediately. Just instead looking through the crowd. “Is Jisung here?”

Changbin’s eyes opened again. He was getting irritated. “I don’t know. You mention him every time you see me- since you’re so obsessed why don’t you go find him?”

Chan was surprised by the sudden outburst, stepping back as he blinked. “Changbin, I really think you should go home.”

“I think you should stop assuming I’m his fucking keeper. Jisung has made it clear he doesn’t really want to talk to me.” Changbin said, scoffing, before starting to move away.

“Changbin, wait-”

Fuck this. He needed drugs afterall.

It wasn’t hard to find the dealer Seungmin and Jeongin introduced him to- give him all of his pocket cash. Find a nice bathroom, roll up the one dollar bill he had left.

He stared at the cocaine. He brought it. He couldn’t waste it now. Chan had already walked in on him once.

So, deep breath.

God, it burned up his nose.

“Fuck.” Changbin exhaled slowly after snorting two lines of coke, going for a third when the bathroom door opened.

“Are you fucking kidding me!?” Changbin yelled, looking over to see…

...ah.

Jisung.

“Keep on, Keepin’ on.” Changbin said, jerking his head towards the hall. Jisung didn’t move.

“Changbin, c’mon. I don’t...drugs aren’t that safe. Could be laced with something.” Jisung said, looking pale.

“Kinda hoping it is at this point.” Changbin murmured, sighing as he looked down at that third line. He wasn’t supposed to drink while on cocaine.

His friends weren’t supposed to know about his addiction either, but there’s a first time for everything.

He took a few swigs of something that definitely wasn’t the beer he thought it was, lowering it before doing the third line of coke, despite feeling the effect of the first two start to kick in.

“Changbin-”

Too late. Changbin doesn’t care.

He stood up, slowly, walking towards Jisung. His pupils were dilated- he was obviously high, but Jisung could immediately tell something was wrong. Changbin’s movements were sluggish.

He just stood in the bathroom for a few seconds before he fell down, muscles starting to spasm. He twitched. His mouth started to foam. Eyes were rolling back. Changbin was having a seizure. 

“Chan!” Jisung screamed. “Hyunjin! Chan! Oh God!” He ran out of the bathroom, running into some random passerby while looking for the other two at the house party.

“Woah- woah woah- what’s going on?” Hyunjin asked, eyebrows furrowed as Jisung ran right into him.

“Changbin- he uh- he overdosed- is overdosing! I don’t- I don’t know he, he’s having a seizure he needs help! We need to call an ambulance.” Jisung was panicked- and the panic seemed to hit Hyunjin as well, who’s eyes widened as he pulled out his phone and started running towards the bathroom.

“Chan!” Jisung yelled.

_”Chan!”_

Why do you blame your friends for everything that happened to you?

“I don’t.” Changbin answered. “I blame them for leaving me.”

Situation was out of their control.

“I would’ve found a way back to them if it was more. Or at least stayed in contact.”

But it wasn’t you.

“Where am I?”

Good question. You care for them?

“More than anything.”

You’re dead. I think. Almost. They’re almost too late.

“Fuck. was hoping this was it.”

Sadly not, little one. You’ll be waking up soon.

“Well...Goodbye.”

Goodbye.

When Changbin opens his eyes, there’s a lot of white. Blinding white. He kind of hated it.

“Hey- hey, you’re awake.” Jeongin. Who looked more than relieved. The steady beeping of machinery played in the background. Changbin’s ears were ringing. “The fuck?” He tried to focus but his eyesight was too blurry.

Chan was at his bedside, taking his hand in the other’s in seconds. “Nurse said to just relax. Try to rest as much as possible.” He said.

“Okay.” Changbin mumbled. His speech was slurred. “M sorry Channie. Love you. And Sungie.”

“I know, Changbin.”

_”I know…”_

_...and that’s the problem._

**Author's Note:**

> Wanted the ending to be better, didnt sleep enough for ti
> 
> twt @dambaihe


End file.
